A Better Word
by Buffintruda
Summary: John Watson loves Sherlock. Just not romantically. Why can't other people see that? Written for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week.


**This is the first of seven oneshots I have for Aro Spec Awareness Week.**

"This isn't working out," Flora said, looking down at her clasped hands on the table between them.

John Watson sighed to himself. Another breakup. He had been through enough of them to have seen the signs coming up, and now, see that she was leading into the conversation that would end it. At least, this time, it was calm, talked out reasonably, not loud and dramatic with shouting and storming away. He wondered why he even tried at this point; relationships always ended up like this, never lasting more than a few weeks. Maybe he would never find his true love, the woman he would marry, who would complete him, and make him happy for the rest of his days.

"I'm sorry," he said automatically.

"It's not your fa-" Flora started, stopping abruptly. "I mean, it sort of is, but not really. I'm just not the right person for you, and you're not the right person for me."

"I'm sorry," John repeated.

"I want someone less adventurous, more domestic," Flora continued. "Someone who loves me. You don't, you aren't like that, and I'm not going to try to change you. Besides, anyone could see that you're in love with Sherlock."

"I'm not."

Flora gave him a weak grin. "Come on, it's so obvious. A man wouldn't cancel so many dates with his girlfriend for someone that he wasn't in love with."

"Look," John said, "I'm truly sorry for not giving you the attention you deserve, but I am not in love with Sherlock."

She gave him a look that showed her disbelief more than any words could. "If you say so. I hope you find happiness in your life, but it's not going to be with me." She smiled sadly at him. Then she got up and left the café before he could respond.

John remained where he was. He wasn't brokenhearted. He never was after breaking up with someone. Disappointed, yes, at his general failure to be good enough to find the happiness everything ever had promised him, for having messed up again. But he never felt emotions to the extent that books, movies, his friends, and his former girlfriends felt. Perhaps they were exaggerating, or he didn't have the chance to get close enough to feel so upset at losing them. Maybe there was something wrong with him. The first options didn't seem right, and he didn't like thinking about the last one. (But the thought did creep up sometimes, when he was alone, doubting everything about himself. What if he was broken? Was he some kind of unfeeling, cold-hearted monster?) He thought about it more during times like this, after having just parted ways, left wondering why he didn't feel like everybody else seemed to, why he only felt disappointed and maybe a little bit relieved.

Right now, he actually felt more frustrated at Flora's assumption of his feelings towards Sherlock than upset. It wasn't an uncommon presumption, but irritating nonetheless. John was someone who cared about how other people saw him, so he hated that so many believed something that was so wrong. But he also knew it was more effort than it was worth to correct them and indeed, often caused people to believe him less, so he tried to brush them off and give them no attention.

His feelings towards Sherlock were complicated and indescribable, something he had never felt or heard about before, something that felt unique to them, something stronger than anything he had ever felt. It was new and seemed beyond the confines of English vocabulary, but if there was one thing he knew with a strong certainty, it was that it was not romantic. He just didn't understand why nobody else seemed to accept that.

It was something more and less than friendship. It wasn't like what he normally associated with that word, which was something more like mates hanging out at the pub, occasionally spilling secrets and feelings. He couldn't imagine doing that with Sherlock. But he trusted Sherlock with his life, would kill for him, admired and respected his genius, would stand with him against others' taunts and insults, make sure he was in good health, make jokes with him at inappropriate times, tolerate the worst of his moods, and would be willing to spend the rest of his life with him. And surely that meant something? Surely it was deeper and truer than so many of the romantic relationships he had seen? (Though, to be fair, working with a consulting detective meant that he probably saw more unhappy couples than the average person.) Why did a strong relationship have to equate to romance in so many people's minds?

...

John Watson returned to his flat where Sherlock was flopped dramatically on the couch, reading some old-looking book. Ignoring him, John brought out his laptop, sat in one of the chairs and finished typing up their most recent case, the one that took up time he had originally set aside for Flora.

At the end, he added a bit about Flora, venting some of his frustration about people's assumptions. It was only after he posted the story on his blog did he realize that more people would be likely to agree with Flora than him, and probably comment on it. But he didn't want to take it down yet. After having these thoughts trapped in his mind for so long, he wanted to be not alone in knowing them. He would delete it after dinner, John decided.

He warmed up some leftover takeout, tried to drag Sherlock into joining him, failed, ate dinner, took his laptop back from Sherlock who had stolen it, and finally opened it back up to the blog page.

Few people had commented in the short time his most recent story had been posted. The first three, one from Sherlock, had been solely about the case. The last one, from someone with a username of aroacehuntress read: **haha. as an aromantic i get that all the time. people have to see everything as romance**

John frowned in confusion. **Aromantic?** he replied.

The response came soon: **it means i don't feel romantic attraction**

He had never heard the term before, but it made linguistic sense, with the 'a' prefix meaning without. **Don't those things usually end with 'sexual' though? Like bisexual and heterosexual?**

 **no. thats sexual attraction. a lot of people get them mixed up but they arent the same. sometimes people arent sexually and romantically attracted to the same genders. like someone could be heterosexual and panromantic, meaning their sexually attracted to the opposite gender but romantically attracted to all genders, or asexual and homoromantic, which means sexually attracted to none but romantically attracted to the same gender.**

Romantic and sexual attraction weren't the same? It made sense. He had felt sexual attraction without feeling romantic attraction many times before. But if they weren't so connected, how could someone tell if they were feeling romantic attraction or just platonic feelings combined with sexual attraction? He asked aroacehuntress this.

 **i dunno. im ace and aro (asexual and aromantic) meaning i dont feel either. i guess people just know because fluttery butterfly feelings or whatever.**

That wasn't very helpful. He had dated many people before, but never felt like how all the books and movies said, no stomach full of butterflies or blushes when eyes met or tingling when hands brushed.

 **i guess it is pretty hard to tell,** aroacehuntress added. **i mean, before aromantic people figure out theyre aro, some mistake platonic feelings for romantic ones. and then theres also a whole spectrum for people who only sometimes feel attraction, or only under specific circumstances, or cant tell if what their feeling is romantic or not which makes it more confusing. i tried dating a guy for a while because i thought i like him romantically but it didnt work out and looking back im pretty sure i liked him platonically.**

This put things into a whole new perspective. Aromantic people might mistake the nature of their feelings for others? They might even date? John found himself re-evaluating his life in light of this new information. Had he ever really felt romantic attraction? He had liked women before, enjoying their company and personality, and he had been sexually attracted to them. But romantically? Where exactly was the line between platonic and romantic?

 **Where can I find more information on this?** he asked. Within moments, aroacehuntress replied with several links. John clicked on one after the other, scrolling through this new information, feeling more understood, more like this was a term that fit him with every explanation, with each person's story and description of how they felt their aromanticism.

He felt elated, like he finally wasn't alone, like someone else knew how he felt. He felt stronger, less broken, more sure of himself, as he explored this new possibility.

 **Thanks** he told aroacehuntress

 **anytime :)** was the reply.

John wondered if he should come out to anyone, if he really was aromantic. There was something that felt right about that word, and even though he wasn't sure about anything, he kind of wanted to tell someone about the existence of aromanticism. But who would believe him and listen to him without judgement?

Maybe Sherlock, if only because he really didn't care about that kind of thing. But John didn't know how to start the conversation or say what he wanted to say. (Thinking about it, though, he wondered if Sherlock was asexual and/or aromantic.)

This moved his train of thought moved to a darker track. Because as great as it was, figuring out something that was different about him, finding a word for it, and a good community, there were also problems with being aromantic. People not understanding or accepting it, for example. But there were more personal problems too. If he really was aromantic, that meant that he would never get the happy ending he tried so long and hard to get. There was no perfect soulmate that was his other half.

He had never been great at keeping dates, so maybe he should have already known, but there had always been that hope that if he just kept looking he would find the right person. And of course the aromantic sites were extremely encouraging, saying that people were whole on their own, that they didn't need to conform to society's expectations to be happy, but it wasn't so easy to erase a lifetime of beliefs and dreams.

It would take time to accept it and adjust to this new way of thinking of himself. He would probably change things about his life, especially everything concerning dating. But he had time, and hope for the future.


End file.
